Every town has a mayor! Ours just happens to be an obsessive, paranoid psychopath. A middle-aged mustachioed man with more than a few skeletons in his closet, the Mayor is committed to making Mayfield the happiest little town in America, mostly by exterminating any traces of "immoral behavior" he comes across. He is obviously the leader of the Mayfield community, but behind the scenes he is, in truth, a cowardly man whose grip of power upon the town slips his grasp more often than not these days... It's enough to make you wonder if he ever had it to begin with.
At 5:00 AM sharp every morning, bottles of fresh milk appear on every doorstep in Mayfield. (Don't drink it.) Delivering them is the Milkman, who completes his job promptly and proudly every day. Eerily silent and single-minded, the Milkman actually seems to be out of the Mayor or Grady's jurisdiction...
Charming and witty with a wink for all the ladies who drop by, the Postman cheerfully distributes the mail every morning. Now and then, he'll call you over to pick up a package, but let's just say that there's a bit of a... processing fee. The Postman's true intentions and motivations are as ambiguous as his smiles.
The quiet old woman who runs the Mayfield Public Library. When she isn't shuffling books, she's mumbling to herself. It's hard to get a straight answer out of her. She prefers to be left alone- maybe that's why she works in the library, where she's quick to hush down anyone who speaks above whisper level.
Your friendly neighbor, and the dedicated police chief of our little town! Jack's an honest, red-blooded all-American man, a perfect example of what all you new arrivals possessed of a Y-chromosome should be. Jack may spend his days at work helping out the neighborhood, but he always knows how to unwind and have a good time. He likes to spend his time making friends down at the tavern, though he has a tendency to bring that sort of work home with him. He'll be happy to show you a few moves from his army days!
Jack Smith's wife and Lucy and Billy's mother, Jill Smith is renowned for her delicious apple pies and lovely looks. She's a prize package- Jack sure is one lucky man, eh, fellas? There's really nothing strange about her at all.
Gee willikers, mister! Billy here's your friendly neighborhood paperboy, who loves to play baseball and... well, not much else. He tends to get mixed up in harmless little pranks like broken windows and the occasional pet set on fire, but hey, boys will be boys, right?
A friendly little girl, Billy's female counterpart in every way. Lucy likes nothing more than to play house with her precious dollies, and is always up for making new friends. She's a very bright lass for her age, and always gets the best grades at school. She's also excellent at drawing with crayons, and her precocious, charming behavior is sure to get a smile out of anyone.
The befuddled old man that runs the gas station out on the highway. Be sure to fill up before you head out to Westport! Phil always takes the time to stop and chat with the people that drop by. Gosh, you'd think he's been around these parts forever.
Phil's er, perky daughter. Barbie runs the Diner attached to the gas station, and handles all the cooking and serving seemingly on her own. She's known for her delicious pies- why not stop and have a bite? And don't forget to tip!
What's that, ladies? No other newcomers to serve as the man around the house? No need to worry- your beloved [INSERT NAME HERE] is here, which means you'll have plenty of meals to cook, shoes to shine, dishes to wash, rooms to clean, and clothes to iron. Aren't you lucky? He's not what you might call expressive, but you should just be glad you've got a man to take care of you.
Don't worry, men, we didn't forget about you! Your darling [INSERT NAME HERE] is custom-fitted to fufill your every desire, from the domestic to the- weeeell, you know what I mean. Eh? Eh? Anyway, she may not have much in the way of a personality, but who marries a girl for her personality anyway, am I right?
Oh, the old rugrats. What would you do without them? Little [INSERT NAME HERE], strapping young [INSERT NAME HERE], and who can forget [INSERT NAME HERE]. They're constantly begging you for whatever new toy is in fashion, and don't appear to care for you in any way beyond that. Good thing you love them unconditionally anyway!
Sorry, but there's not anyone meeting that description around in this town.
We don't talk about Samantha any more.
Police Chief Grady
A beer-swilling Irish stereotype of a cop, Grady used to be the Mayor's faithful lapdog. His duties mostly consisted of hunting down ne'er-do-wells and subjecting them to obedience training. His ability to drone anyone through sheer will alone ensured that no one challenged his authority for long. Grady wasn't too bright, but he was tenacious as hell and too stupid to be anything but loyal to the Mayor... or was he? Grady had, over the past couple of years, grown increasingly bitter about just about everything, it seemed, and it had gotten harder for the Mayor to pacify him. Though he had looked down on most residents of the town, you had to wonder about him... Tragically, the good Officer died in the line of duty, bringing a man called Evan Olney to justice.
Why are you asking about Evan Olney? You'd hush up now if you knew what was good for you.