A cat stole it. Or at least that's what she tells people. At least, that's what she would tell people if she told people anything, but that's besides the point. She is definite about not having a soul. It's just something she can feel, that she just knows without question. She used to just think it, but lately she's been really thinking it. She believes a cat stole it. She does have a different hypothesis, but It involves her own mother selling it to the devil for financial success and the devil giving the soul to a cat.
It might sound crazy to you, but it does make a great deal of sense... to her. While she has no proof other than an empty feeling in her chest and the inability to connect, the lack of a soul could answer so many of her burning questions. Why she feels so separated from everyone else? Why she can't have any friends? Why she is absolutely terrified of everything? Why she is so abnormal? And why do cats keep following her everywhere? All of these can be easily explained by her having no soul. It's all logical, really.
On the cusp of adulthood, everything seems to be rushing Raleigh at once, and it's leaving her confused. She has a lot of her mind, many questions that she can't safely answer. She just wants to find all the answers, and to do that Raleigh is willing to connect some imaginary dots, "little thoughts begetting little thoughts, rampantly speculating every possible outcome to every possible situation." Hence her belief of having no soul.
Raleigh's thoughts are very jagged and mixed up. Scatterbrained is the first word one thinks of, and Raleigh finds herself going off on tangents in her mind constantly. She can be very forgetful too, or at least very neglectful about information where she doesn't mention Of course, there are things that Raleigh can't stop thinking about. Stillman, for example.
Don't let her inner thoughts fool you though. Raleigh is very smart and at times thoughtful. Raleigh was singled out at a very early age for her intellect. She appears to be very adept in writing especially, having joined a writing forum on the suggestion of one of her English teachers. She is also very much into reading, and is bilingual in both English and Spanish. Raleigh does not reveal much about her hobbies past that but she does let it slip that she isn't so much into girl activities. The idea of dressing up and putting on makeup is not out of the question, she simply isn't a fan. She did not grow up doing those sorts of things, spending more time in the woods with her best friend. She does have girl friends, ones that she does spend time doing girly things, but she considers them cold, gray useless friends. To match everything else.
Raleigh would much rather say that she has no friends because that's how it feels like to her. She describes herself as a "horrible person". She also states that she is very awkward, painfully so. She states that she “stumbles over her words” and that conversations with her “always lead to dead ends.” However she never really shows any of these signs. In fact, at first glance Raleigh can come off as very cool and self-assured. The worst thing she says is an occasional "Um," or slight hesitation punctuating her speech.
It's not so much a fault of her own that makes it hard for her to socialize. She just doesn't talk much. A very reticent girl, prone to living in her head, Raleigh is not open about her own thoughts and feelings. She appears embarrassed whenever she has to share her own opinions, like others will judge her for it. She would much rather let others control the conversation rather than the other way around, because it allows her to coast without much difficulty. She just prefers not to talk unless she has to. She especially does not like to talk about the important things on her mind, preferring just to "skirt" around them (perhaps because, again, she's afraid of what others will think).
Of course, socializing would be easy if Raleigh was not completely afraid of... well everything. Anything is a cause for worry, from the way someone is staring at her to how she makes someone laugh, from getting to sleep to the conversations happening around her and everything in between. She even jumps when her hair falls in front of her face, which is why she always clips it back. Socializing is just one of these fears - every passing moment spent with strangers gets "longer and hotter and smaller and darker.. and so so so much worse in comparison" to the one before it.
However, there is one fear that is unconscious but much more potent than the other. Her fear of change. Of moving on. The fact that her mind still lingers on her best friend, counting down the days, minutes and seconds since she last saw her, is a huge indication of this. And Stillman... this fear says a lot about her, really. Deep down, Raleigh wants things to stay the same. She does not want change. She doesn't want to grow up.
This also ties into her fear of socializing. When her best friend left, Raleigh felt that she couldn't make friends anymore. She just couldn't make friends, or if she could make them it would be too awkward. She could never relate to them and things would just fizzle out quickly. So she just decided not to bother. It's just suffocating trying to socialize with anyone...
But Stillman. Stillman was different. Stillman understood. Raleigh never indulges much about Stillman, other than he is in university and American, but it's clear that they had a very romantic relationship. Raleigh likes to paint Stillman as the perfect guy. It's clear that Raleigh found solace in Stillman. He reminded her of a time with Claire, where she didn't have to worry about being awkward. He tolerated her. This relationship is one she yearns to hold on to and has trouble letting go of. And yet, something happened between her and Stillman. The only indication we are ever given is a single sealed envelope. Regardless, it was powerful enough to bring her to tears and to leave her so lost. Now she can't get him out of her mind.
Now Raleigh is in a very vulnerable state. Everything and everyone feels alien to her and the last thing she wants to do is think about it. She doesn't want to, but she thinks about it anyway. Because she has to.
In short, Raleigh is at a crossroads. She increases every problem she has tenfold, she is constantly worried about everything and she finds it hard to connect. She has difficulty connecting and is completely afraid of what people will think. She is just an oddball. Like all of us.
Raleigh / Lost at Sea / Not Reserved
A cat stole it. Or at least that's what she tells people. At least, that's what she would tell people if she told people anything, but that's besides the point. She is definite about not having a soul. It's just something she can feel, that she just knows without question. She used to just think it, but lately she's been really thinking it. She believes a cat stole it. She does have a different hypothesis, but It involves her own mother selling it to the devil for financial success and the devil giving the soul to a cat.
It might sound crazy to you, but it does make a great deal of sense... to her. While she has no proof other than an empty feeling in her chest and the inability to connect, the lack of a soul could answer so many of her burning questions. Why she feels so separated from everyone else? Why she can't have any friends? Why she is absolutely terrified of everything? Why she is so abnormal? And why do cats keep following her everywhere? All of these can be easily explained by her having no soul. It's all logical, really.
On the cusp of adulthood, everything seems to be rushing Raleigh at once, and it's leaving her confused. She has a lot of her mind, many questions that she can't safely answer. She just wants to find all the answers, and to do that Raleigh is willing to connect some imaginary dots, "little thoughts begetting little thoughts, rampantly speculating every possible outcome to every possible situation." Hence her belief of having no soul.
Raleigh's thoughts are very jagged and mixed up. Scatterbrained is the first word one thinks of, and Raleigh finds herself going off on tangents in her mind constantly. She can be very forgetful too, or at least very neglectful about information where she doesn't mention Of course, there are things that Raleigh can't stop thinking about. Stillman, for example.
Don't let her inner thoughts fool you though. Raleigh is very smart and at times thoughtful. Raleigh was singled out at a very early age for her intellect. She appears to be very adept in writing especially, having joined a writing forum on the suggestion of one of her English teachers. She is also very much into reading, and is bilingual in both English and Spanish. Raleigh does not reveal much about her hobbies past that but she does let it slip that she isn't so much into girl activities. The idea of dressing up and putting on makeup is not out of the question, she simply isn't a fan. She did not grow up doing those sorts of things, spending more time in the woods with her best friend. She does have girl friends, ones that she does spend time doing girly things, but she considers them cold, gray useless friends. To match everything else.
Raleigh would much rather say that she has no friends because that's how it feels like to her. She describes herself as a "horrible person". She also states that she is very awkward, painfully so. She states that she “stumbles over her words” and that conversations with her “always lead to dead ends.” However she never really shows any of these signs. In fact, at first glance Raleigh can come off as very cool and self-assured. The worst thing she says is an occasional "Um," or slight hesitation punctuating her speech.
It's not so much a fault of her own that makes it hard for her to socialize. She just doesn't talk much. A very reticent girl, prone to living in her head, Raleigh is not open about her own thoughts and feelings. She appears embarrassed whenever she has to share her own opinions, like others will judge her for it. She would much rather let others control the conversation rather than the other way around, because it allows her to coast without much difficulty. She just prefers not to talk unless she has to. She especially does not like to talk about the important things on her mind, preferring just to "skirt" around them (perhaps because, again, she's afraid of what others will think).
Of course, socializing would be easy if Raleigh was not completely afraid of... well everything. Anything is a cause for worry, from the way someone is staring at her to how she makes someone laugh, from getting to sleep to the conversations happening around her and everything in between. She even jumps when her hair falls in front of her face, which is why she always clips it back. Socializing is just one of these fears - every passing moment spent with strangers gets "longer and hotter and smaller and darker.. and so so so much worse in comparison" to the one before it.
However, there is one fear that is unconscious but much more potent than the other. Her fear of change. Of moving on. The fact that her mind still lingers on her best friend, counting down the days, minutes and seconds since she last saw her, is a huge indication of this. And Stillman... this fear says a lot about her, really. Deep down, Raleigh wants things to stay the same. She does not want change. She doesn't want to grow up.
This also ties into her fear of socializing. When her best friend left, Raleigh felt that she couldn't make friends anymore. She just couldn't make friends, or if she could make them it would be too awkward. She could never relate to them and things would just fizzle out quickly. So she just decided not to bother. It's just suffocating trying to socialize with anyone...
But Stillman. Stillman was different. Stillman understood. Raleigh never indulges much about Stillman, other than he is in university and American, but it's clear that they had a very romantic relationship. Raleigh likes to paint Stillman as the perfect guy. It's clear that Raleigh found solace in Stillman. He reminded her of a time with Claire, where she didn't have to worry about being awkward. He tolerated her. This relationship is one she yearns to hold on to and has trouble letting go of. And yet, something happened between her and Stillman. The only indication we are ever given is a single sealed envelope. Regardless, it was powerful enough to bring her to tears and to leave her so lost. Now she can't get him out of her mind.
Now Raleigh is in a very vulnerable state. Everything and everyone feels alien to her and the last thing she wants to do is think about it. She doesn't want to, but she thinks about it anyway. Because she has to.
In short, Raleigh is at a crossroads. She increases every problem she has tenfold, she is constantly worried about everything and she finds it hard to connect. She has difficulty connecting and is completely afraid of what people will think. She is just an oddball. Like all of us.